Yoga for Beginners
My wife dragged me away to a yoga session. I'd long resisted, but thought I could score some points by finally giving in. So off I went to check out what all the fuss was about.

Thus starts a chapter in the book, which ends with a well-researched yoga training guide aptly named Yoga Schmoga.

For whatever reason – probably wise and thus beyond my understanding - my publisher decided to cut out a number of yoga positions from the final version of Getting Pregnant the Hard Way.

So here they are in their questionable glory. 

 

The Corpse - Savasana

The Corpse 

 

Position: Perhaps you thought you'd never done any yoga in your life? Well, think again! Yoga has cleverly branded a very popular position used by pretty much everyone and claims it as their own. 

Lie down on your back with your arms at your sides. There you go, you are doing yoga. This, in marketing terms, is the same thing as trying to copyright things like standing, blinking and scratching ones bum.

Purpose: Regarded as one of the most important positions in yoga for reasons that escape me.

The Mountain - Tadasana

The Mountain

 

Position: Not only is lying down regarded as yoga, but standing up has been claimed by yoga professionals everywhere too. Let’s all try it.

Stand up from your office chair. Hold it. Hold it…and sit down.Rest for a few minutes before attempting this strenuous exercise again. Good work. If you feel up to it, there is an advanced version of this position as shown in the image on the right. Once you’ve graduated from beginner's class (and have a head smaller than the Mr Egg Head to the left) you should be able to perform this exercise without adverse effect.

Purpose: This position – just as the corpse – has no actual purpose, but is only there to provide an entry level to yoga for lazy people. I wonder when watching TV will become a yoga position.

Advanced Locust - Shalabhasana

Advanced Locust 

 

Position: Lie down on your stomach and raise your legs, bending your back until the legs naturally flop over and hit you in the forehead. Clogs are not recommended for this exercise.

Purpose:
To loosen up the bowel. A Yogi could - and will - pass a whole watermelon through his bowel. Just one of the many benefits of Yoga.

Advanced Peacock - Mayurasana

Advanced Peacock 

 

Position: In this position you rest on your chin (I kid you not!) so you may as well start with planting your face firmly in the ground. Proceed from a kneeling position and lift, stretching the legs out. If your head isn’t big enough you may need counterweight. Get a partner to sit on your head.

Purpose: Some people have called this stance impossible, and rightly so. It is impossible. Yoga is non-competitive, but that doesn't mean that there aren't goals to achieve. Yogis around the world say that it takes a lifetime to master the sacred art - and positions like this makes their claim true. 

The Bow – Dhanurasana

The Bow

 

Position: If the previous exercises didn’t make you go running for the hills, here is another one. Lie on your belly. Have someone pull your legs towards your head whilst you reach back. Have that same someone tie your wrists and ankles together and leave you like that for half an hour.

Purpose: This position was particularly popular by the Spanish Inquisition to wrench the chosen truth out of victims, thereby proving Yoga has been used extensively throughout history. It isn't just a passing fad.

 

I am planning a follow up to Yoga Schmoga that will feature positions that are less known to the  general public, or yoga professionals for that matter, as I've made them up. 

The Present

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The Pretzel

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The Butterfl

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